A few weeks ago I asked Jeremy if he felt more masculine some days and more feminine on others. He looked surprised then shook his head.
“No, I always feel the same. Mostly male with a bit of female.”
“Are you sure?” I asked. “Gender can be fluid. Some people feel more male or female on different days.”
“Umm, yeah,” he replied in confusion. “I know that. I just always feel the same.”
Alrighty then. Can someone be gender fluid and just not notice? Or maybe I’m going insane. I figure both options are equally possible.
Some days Jeremy calls himself fab-u-lous. He talks animatedly and gestures wildly. He comments on his chest (repeatedly) and smiles when I tell him he looks pretty.
“I’m going to breastfeed my baby,” he informed me proudly. “I’ll take shots and then I’ll be able to breastfeed.”
“Hon, you know those would be female hormones right?” I asked and he shook his head.
“No, they’d be breastfeeding hormones,” he protested.
He looked ready to argue furiously so I dropped it. Arguing with my single, 16 year old son over breastfeeding a baby which hasn’t even been conceived seemed like a completely unnecessary argument. And he’d need to overcome his needle phobia too.
Also, he is single now. Him and Hannah broke up several weeks ago amid vast amounts of indifference. He showed more emotion later that evening when he discovered I’d eaten the last Fudgee-o. Not exactly true love.
“My voice is too deep,” he told me another time. “I wish it was higher. It’s really low.”
He fretted about this for a few minutes while I looked sympathetic, then he changed the subject. I mentioned his concern to Lenny, telling zir I had no idea what to say because I didn’t think there was anything I could do about his voice.
Zie told me he could train his voice to be higher if he wanted and there was surgery if it really bothered him.
I mentioned this to Jeremy the next day and he looked completely baffled.
“Why would I do that?” he asked. “My voice is fine.”
“You told me yesterday that it’s too deep,” I replied. He shrugged.
“No, it’s fine,” he assured me.
I commented here about my coworker calling Jeremy a half girl and the bus driver referring to him (twice) as ma’am. Then last week I started second guessing myself. Lots of men have long hair and wear bright clothes. If it hadn’t been for those comments (among others), I would have moved on to third, fourth and fifth guessing myself. But once again he’s looking pretty and getting more double takes. I swear someone’s going to walk into a light pole watching him one of these days. And I’m getting irritated enough by the stares that I hope I’m there to see it.
We were walking home from go-karting yesterday and Jeremy sighed.
“I’m too tall,” he mused.
“I thought you wanted to grow as tall as the CN Tower,” I commented, mostly because I had no real idea what to say.
He shrugged. “Yeah… it’s just…” His voice trailed off and he shrugged again.
He had track and field today and I offered to tie his hair back for him. He shook his head.
“No, I want my hair to float behind me in the breeze when I run,” he assured me.
I’m pretty sure gender confusion is supposed to refer to the person whose gender is not entirely sorted out. Meanwhile Jeremy’s happily playing a Doctor Who video game and feeling no confusion at all while I’m confused as heck. Sometimes it’s funny how life works.