Not enough chocolate…

I think I’m almost done with “one of those days”, although technically it started yesterday.

A few days ago I went to type something on my little netbook and discovered that suddenly my question mark key turned the monitor brightness down (as did one shift button) and my L key wrote J instead. Several keys didn’t work at all and some just made random symbols. Crap. Jeremy gave me one of his keyboards and that worked, although it meant I had a huge keyboard sitting on my netbook.

I wrote that whole blog post last night then went to bed. Moments later I remembered I needed to transfer my rent money from savings to chequing. Crawled out of bed and went to type my password. Hit shift and about five stars appeared. Umm… not good. I switched to one of my novels and attempted to type the password there. Shift made around five spaces and a space automatically appeared after every letter. Backspace didn’t work. I ran into the living room, used the desktop computer to transfer my money, then went to bed fretting about my netbook. I write on that computer and buying a new one was not in my budget.

Work was very quiet and I got sent home four hours early. I’d thought I was getting sent for my lunch break. I got home, tripped and broke the front door of the building (I’m fine). Then I went to pay my rent and discovered I was in overdraft. I transferred the money backwards last night. It’ll be back in my main account tomorrow.

Jeremy apologized for his behaviour yesterday.

“Mom, I was angry and just pulling stuff out of my ass. Don’t listen to me when I’m like that.”

I told him I was glad he’d apologized but he needed to not say things like that. He looked away sheepishly.

“I know. I really need to control my anger.”

Then we headed out to buy a handful of groceries and my new computer, both of us with our bundle buggies. Mine is just a standard one while Jeremy’s sewn an old car speaker into the front of his and set it up with a bunch of electronics so it’ll play his ipod. He fiddled with the wires and suddenly Pentatonix was playing. There was already a teenage boy in the elevator with us. He spent so much time staring at Jeremy he nearly missed his floor; I had to remind him he was getting off on the first floor. It took him a second to realize what I was saying then he looked embarrassed and hurried right out. Jeremy told me he hadn’t noticed the boy because he’s used to people staring at him. I don’t think he’s realized people stare for different reasons.

We grabbed our groceries first then went to buy me a computer. The last time I bought a netbook was four years ago and it cost just under $200. The cheapest I could find today was just under $300 (on clearance). So much for computer prices dropping. I was told it was the last one in the store. The sales clerk needed to find the box and then it would take a couple of hours to clear the hard drive. We live a block away, it’s not a hardship to walk back in a few hours. But maybe it would be longer… and he needed to check something. Then it wouldn’t be ready until Wednesday. Then they weren’t sure if they’d need to order it from another store. Then they decided on cleaning this one instead. Then they told me it won’t be ready until Thursday or Friday. Then they tried to hard-sell me three years worth of computer insurance for $70.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve never been diagnosed with anything. When I was in primary school my official diagnosis was being a square peg in a round hole. But I’ve wondered for a while now if I’m on the autism spectrum. Change really throws me and, not only had I already gone through a fair bit of “surprises” today, I was suddenly faced with all sorts of uncertainties regarding the netbook I’d just bought. I nearly started crying at the checkout, screaming was tempting too.

I don’t know how to explain the feeling of being overwhelmed, of having too much come at me all at once. I feel simultaneously all over prickly, like I’m itchy and uncomfortable while feeling like I’m dissolving, as if pieces of me are flaking away. I just want everything to stop. Meanwhile Jeremy was in an amazing mood today, wanting to chat non-stop about any number of subjects. I couldn’t focus on conversation. He hugged me, which helped, then gave me some space.

I went to sort out buses for Canada Day celebrations, only to discover the local transit department has absolutely no freaking idea what’s going on. Friends said there’s always buses leaving the fireworks while the transit department said they stopped running about a half hour before the fireworks were due to start. I shooed Jeremy back out of the room while I vented on Facebook. I figured if I started screaming, I might not stop. Plus it would scare the cats. My friend P messaged me and offered to have us over to see the fireworks by their place and said he’d drive us home. Then him and his husband M went out and bought frozen pizza for tomorrow. They even bought me Amy’s Organics Vegan No-Cheese pizza. So that was good.

Then I went to make dinner. I’d decided on making vegetable tempura for myself and crispy mock chicken strips for Jeremy. I got most of the veggies prepped then flipped over the box to discover I’d bought Panko style bread crumbs instead of tempura batter (very similar boxes, right down to the picture). Jeremy agreed to go back to the store to exchange it. He promptly lost the store receipt between the living room and the front door (five feet away). Then he called me from the store. Three times. The last time was to say they no longer sell tempura mix. By that time I had everything all ready. Then I went onto Google and found this recipe. It was quick, easy, and I had all the ingredients at hand (which was amazing considering I don’t usually have soda water). Thankfully it turned out well.

Jeremy’s been wonderful today, despite the fact I have been miserable and had at least one meltdown (including screaming at him over the phone when he suggested using a box of crushed corn flakes). He washed up the lunch dishes without prompting and, while he thinks it’s hilarious, has hugged me as hard as he can.

“Mom, are you trying to get shorter?” he laughed as he squeezed tighter. It helped.

So now I’ve eaten about fifty pieces of tempura battered vegetables (basically a whole onion, three mushrooms, half a zucchini, and half a sweet potato) and drank a mug of peppermint hot chocolate. Now I’m just waiting for my neighbours to finish their party, the bass is on really loud then I’m off to bed. Tomorrow has to be a better day.

Edited to add: And they’re setting off fireworks in the parking lot. Spiffy.

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2 thoughts on “Not enough chocolate…

  1. I understand meltdowns. I’m guessing mine are more BPD related, but yeah, every sense doing it’s best to overstimulate your one remaining functioning nerve? I get that. The panic says I’m either going to drop to the floor curled up in the foetal position until it stops or put down my groceries and run… I feel like I’m neurodiverse, but not aspie/autie – a kind of ally.

    So glad Jeremy’s been so much better today.

    I hope today is better.

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