Depression lies…

To me depression is like being underwater in winter clothes, except you can breathe… mostly. It clings to you, dragging you down, making every movement a supreme effort. Noises are oddly muffled or painfully loud and don’t always make sense. And no matter how many people are around, you’re alone… completely alone.

We used to travel across Canada when I was a child and I vividly remember the tunnels through the mountains. You’d see them in the distance, a circle of blackness drawing closer, distinct against the brightness of the day. And then the blackness would swallow everything. The tunnel was grey monotony, punctuated by identical dull lights. No way to judge distance… no way to tell how long was left. It felt like forever until suddenly blue sky appeared ahead, and once out, the tunnel no longer seemed real.

Depression clings and says it’s forever, showing no sign of a way out. It whispers in your ears and tells you that you’re alone, no one could understand. It claims life is hopeless and that you have no future.

IT LIES!

Just like the tunnel, depression doesn’t last forever. Eventually there’s a glimpse of blue sky and suddenly you’re in fresh air and sunshine, taking deep breaths and listening to the wind through the trees. More importantly, you are not alone in this world. You are never alone.

Reaching out while depressed is one of the hardest things imaginable but please, try. No matter what depression says, there are people who care. They might not be the people who are immediately around you but they are there and they will help.

I’ve told my children repeatedly that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Yes it ends the pain but it also ends everything else. It ends the warmth of early morning sunshine streaming across your cheeks… spring birdsong… the cool sweetness of an ice cream cone… arms wrapped around you in a hug… how bright the stars are on a crisp winter’s night… the smell of wood smoke… the gooey warmth of a melted marshmallow… the rasp of a kitten’s tongue.

My nephews would have had an aunt except she killed herself when her marriage ended, years before they were alive. She never got to see her brother marry my sister… never got to marvel over their oldest son when he was born… or comfort and hold her brother when her nephew almost died of meningitis when he was a few weeks old. She missed seeing them buy their first house… every Christmas… every birthday… every camping trip. She’s missed her youngest nephew’s wild gymnastics moves and trampoline stunts.

It’s been over twenty years now. She missed every possibility of moving on from her husband and every chance of finding someone new. She missed the chance of having children of her own and watching them play with her nephews… every chance of watching her parents cradling her babies. Yes, she was depressed, but it wasn’t twenty years worth of depression. Depression claims it’s forever. IT LIES. Death is forever, depression is a loud and painful bump on the road by comparison.

Reach out for help. If you find it too hard to call then reach out by text or email. Remember, you don’t necessarily have to talk. The first time I was majorly depressed, I sat in my doctor’s office and cried. They’ve seen it all, I still walked out with a prescription for anti-depressants.

I have a list of resources here with world-wide suicide lines.

Just, please. You are unique, you are treasured, and you will be missed. Give yourself a chance.

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15 thoughts on “Depression lies…

  1. This is beautifully written about a dark subject. Reaching out during depression is so difficult, but so necessary. I have learned to have a plan during my depression. My family has a list of the warning signs that I’m in a depression incase I don’t express it. My husband has a list of questions to ask me, my meds for me to take and when to call my therapist or psychiatrist.

  2. Depression is a lie. Suicide is a serious subject. Too many die unnecessarily. Because they feel hopeless and alone. It is difficult for both the depressed and the helper. Writing is a wonderful tool. By writing, we get out of ourselves. There is always something I can pull out that makes sense. Hopefully, someone has the same result with what I put out there. It works. Thank you for the blog.

  3. “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”

    I’ve been told this a lot. Endlessly, it seems. By everyone. Everywhere. It seems to be THE phrase everyone uses. It really doesn’t help and in fact hearing that phrase is often very upsetting (for me, and for some others I have talked to). The problems that drive me to suicide are permanent, there’s nothing temporary about them at all. The vast majority of people who tell me this know nothing about my problems, it is probably just lack of understanding. But they are in fact encouraging suicide as a reasonable solution. It often feels very dismissive and demeaning too, especially since it almost always comes from people who do know nothing about my problems.

    I am sorry to latch on to just that one phrase, and I hope this doesn’t upset you. But I thought you might want to know how triggering that phrase can be. If it is to me and for others I have talked to, I am positive it also must be for many other people as well.

    Hope Jeremy finds another lovely car. I got myself a Toothless dragon plushie for my birthday. As soon as his pretty golden ribbons are finished drying, I’ll probably be carrying him around everywhere for a while.

    • (((hugs))) I’m honestly not trying to make light of a serious issue. You’ve got a lot of big struggles above depression which makes it even harder. Depression itself is often temporary (although it can come back) and being a teen is definitely temporary. I’ve read about too many teens lately who died because they believed depression’s lies.

      Your dragon sounds wonderful. I just got myself the sparkliest silver picture for my room and am looking forward to hanging it up 🙂

      • “Suicide is a last resort. Can I help you come up with other ideas for right now?” If the person (me, for example) is actively considering suicide. that’s all I could think of right now.

        Temporary solutions are great. Ice cream, hugs, puzzle games, crying, tea, etc etc etc. not being judgmental is really best, and that phrase is just all sorts of judgmental. By that, I mean it is telling the person what they should think, feel, do… And that phrase is also potentially telling the person that they are wrong, which is probably not generally helpful even if they are wrong.

        Also, secretlyfabulous, you’re right that it isn’t just depression for me. It’s alot more complicated. A transphobic society, at minimum. But even if the person believes their problems are permanent when they are not, telling them they are wrong will probably not help. When I was a teen, I think what would have helped most was a non-judgmental adult willing to listen to me and to help me how I wanted to be helped. Which takes knowing, understanding, familiarity with a specific person’s situation, and a whole lot of patience and humility. And, the strength to fail. Because teens are really tough to work with.

        Anyways, I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to be upsetting. I just I want to help, I’ve heard of too many kids killing themselves lately and it is so … :(:(:(:(:(:(

    • I’m liking your comment because of the dragon, and because I’ve found focusing on even eeny teeny pleasures can help. I’m sending you ask the hope I can for the rest.

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