Life with Jeremy (second edition)…

I just got a notification on my phone, a finger with a string around it. I don’t know how to make notifications so it wasn’t from me. It was a reminder that I am weird, complete with an option to be reminded of this tomorrow.

“Jeremy?” I called as I walked into the living room. “Did you just send me a notification?”

Zie slid my headphones off zir ears and looked up. “My phone’s not even on. How could I send you a message?” Zir tone was artfully innocent. And really? Zie’d been playing with zir phone, asking Google endless questions, not ten minutes earlier.

“Well I got a notification saying I’m weird and I didn’t send it.”

Jeremy’s lips curved into a smile. “Are you saying it’s wrong?”

Well no. I just shook my head and walked away, leaving zir laughing. I did, however, click no for tomorrow’s helpful reminder.

I never know what to expect with zir. Jeremy woke up crying yesterday morning and was in tears when I got home from work. Zie was laughing and cheerful last night, thrilled to be cleaning and rearranging zir room in preparation for this weekend’s painting. Jeremy didn’t sleep at all last night, which means today should be interesting. Zie has counseling this morning, a visit with zir Dad this afternoon, and a doctor’s appointment this evening. I’m planning on buying a few chocolate bars and throwing them at zir from a safe distance when zie gets growly.

I am getting glimpses of my rainbow. Jeremy’s dug out zir feminine shirts and is wearing them again, including to a family visit this weekend. Zie’s kept zir toenails polished and is back using perfume. And zir sassy attitude is back.

“There you go Angel,” Jeremy crooned. Zie placed the cat onto my bed and tucked a fuzzy blanket around her. “All nice and comfy.”

I’d just stopped zir from putting Blackie, and then Oreo, into my underwear drawer. Angel likes perching in there but the other two cats don’t. Plus all three cats are overweight and could use some exercise.

“If she wanted to go there, she would have walked there on her own.”

“Does it look like she doesn’t want to be there?” zie pointed out. Angel closed her eyes and purred a bit louder. Thanks cat.

“You seem to forget the cats have four perfectly good legs to walk themselves around with.”

To which Jeremy promptly replied, “Well you seem to forget that I have two perfectly good arms to carry them places.”

Then I posted it on Facebook. My friends promptly sided with Jeremy. Thanks friends (and I honestly mean that).

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Ups and downs…

I wanted to write a cheery “spa day” post with pictures of Jeremy and I enjoying family time but that didn’t happen. Not that our spa day wasn’t good, or should I say spa half-hour… or to be more accurate our very distracted spa half-hour while Jeremy watched The Young Turks and disassembled electronics…

electronic relaxation

Not the togetherness I’d been anticipating

The best part of the evening was the masks I scooped up at Shoppers Drug Mart, which smelled like chocolate. I came home from work two days ago to find Jeremy wearing another mask simply because zie liked it so much. Apparently Jeremy loves spending the afternoon giving zirself a facial while deconstructing electronics. I forsee three for $5 chocolate scented masks in Jeremy’s stocking this year.

Zie also shaved zir arm pits and let me paint zir toenails. Jeremy had always shaved from the moment puberty started (if not before). Zie loves the silky smooth feeling of freshly shaved skin and only stopped when zir teachers made a big deal about teaching gender roles in class; telling the girls they had to shave while explaining that boys don’t (meanwhile they didn’t have enough time for regular math lessons). This was one time they didn’t try to force gender roles with Jeremy but their pointing out to the entire class that zie shaved and stressing how manly it was, because body builders shave to show their muscles, didn’t help either. Jeremy doesn’t want manly, bulging muscles and didn’t want to be centered out in class. Zie immediately stopped shaving and has been anxious about starting ever since.

Jeremy was also worried about people seeing zir toenails and teasing zir about them. The sparkly polish disappeared into zir room and quickly vanished again as soon as it surfaced. Then came a comment from a stranger in our building while Jeremy was on the elevator alone. A man who looked at Jeremy, smiled, and said, “Hey, you aren’t wearing toe polish anymore? Why did you stop?” Sometimes people can be awesome! Jeremy was more than happy to put zir purple glittery polish back on when I found it once again.

slightly blurry purple toeses

Zie gets zir hobbit toes from me. Nothing like shaving your big toe for sandal season.

I woke at 3am several nights ago to find Jeremy curled in a ball on zir bedroom floor, crying that zie was a failure. Jeremy had connected one of zir tablets to a monitor, keyboard, and mouse then zie decided to upgrade the tablet to Windows 10, without realizing the upgrade would switch the tablet back to using a touch screen. The screen’s shattered and the tablet immediately refused to start. Resetting the tablet to factory settings didn’t help and doing this all in the middle of the night while exhausted definitely didn’t help. I assured zir that zie wasn’t a failure and reminded zir that the tablet screen can be replaced. Finally zie was willing to sleep.

Two days ago Jeremy happily cleaned up zir entire balcony, right down to scrubbing the balcony floor and washing the windows. Today zie washed most of the dishes, cheerfully went out grocery shopping, then came home and cried because zie was sad and didn’t know why.

Yesterday we went out for a picnic and Jeremy took selfies on my camera…

Zie melts my heart

I’ve made an appointment with our family doctor so we can get a referral to a psychiatrist (both of us, not just Jeremy) and I’ve adjusted zir medication slightly so zie’s taking the pills at the same time as me; breakfast and dinner instead of both at dinner. I’d have asked the doctor first but he’s on vacation. The sobbing on zir bedroom floor at 3am was before the medication change. The grocery shopping and cleaning the balcony was after.

Now zie’s washing the dinner dishes before we watch Doctor Who. I’m exhausted but zie’s looking forward to watching it with me and I’m not going to mess with happy family time; especially when it involves the Doctor.

Hopefully tomorrow will be another good day.

Angel and Jeremy

Sometimes all we need is a purring cat. Sometimes all the cat needs is a loving human… and sometimes both are lucky. Jeremy and Angel.

How to make my block list…

… aka why school based sexual education for children is so important.

These comments happened in the middle of a discussion about Ontario’s new sexual education curriculum, during which poster #1 and #2 argued they could teach their children just fine at home, thanks. They’d have no problems teaching their children about “the birds and the bees” and could handle their questions without any outside assistance.

Meanwhile I, as usual, referred to Jeremy as my teen and used zie/zir pronouns…

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Then came a specific question about what you would say if your eight year old child asked a pointed question like “what’s a blow job?”

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Because answering questions honestly is “abuse”

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Conventional families… what are those again?

I pointed out that she’d have a great deal of difficulty teaching her children about the LGBTQ community considering the ignorance she’d shown regarding trans issues.

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transphobic2

transphobic4Between these posts were ones where Poster #1 claimed Jeremy would always be a male because of genitals, continually and intentionally misgendered zir repeatedly, and flat out stated she did not want her children to learn anything at all about the LGBTQ community. To make it more interesting, before I blocked her, she admitted she’d never even met Jeremy.

I commented in the thread that she was the perfect example for why mandatory school sexual education was needed and I stand by that statement. Luckily, and even more weirdly, it turns out that her children are nowhere near elementary school age. I figured she had preteens considering her 8 to 12 year old comment but her children are university age. Hopefully they’ve grown up to be less ignorant than their mother.

Ignorance is not a family value

Missing my rainbow…

I can’t remember the last time I heard Jeremy proclaim, “… because I’m fab-u-lous!”

I can’t remember the last time zie desperately needed a decoration for zir room just because it sparkled.

I can’t remember the last time zie skipped with happiness or gestured, zir hands flying like birds.

It was just over a year ago that zie stopped shaving zir legs and armpits.

“I forgot,” zie told me with a shrug. “I don’t feel like it,” zie said months later. I didn’t want to push. It’s zir body.

It was just under a year ago that the final flakes of toe polish faded away. Zie panicked when I offered to replace it.

I questioned zir about the perfume yesterday. “I ran out,” Jeremy said offhandedly. Zie never mentioned it or asked for a replacement.

Last year zie loved to watch home improvement shows. Last year zie wanted a purple chandelier with crystals and a red sequin pillow and talked about when zir room was painted purple. This year Jeremy begs me to buy a computer part or video game instead of paint.

“I don’t need my room fixed up,” zie assures me. “I don’t care if my room’s painted.”

The teen who perched on the edge of our couch yelling at the people on t.v because they had to pick the house with granite countertops now furnishes zir room with other people’s leftovers; telling me a chair with no back is perfectly fine.

Jeremy walked into my room and lay on my bed, curled on zir side.

“Mom? Do you need anything at Metro?” Zir voice was almost low enough to be a whisper but too monotone.

I looked outside at the dark sky. I work tomorrow and am already in my pyjamas. My plans involve sprawling on top of my covers and reading before turning my lights out by 9:30pm. No, I didn’t need anything from the grocery store at that point.

“No, sunshine,” I told zir, as gently as I could manage. “We have food here.”

“But nothing I want,” zie replied petulantly.

“You could fry up some Gardein crispy chicken,” I pointed out.

Zie sat up and blurted, “But I don’t want that.” Zir voice crept closer to panicked.

There’s one comfort food Jeremy still consistently enjoys. “How about popcorn?” I asked and was relieved when zie relaxed. Jeremy panicked moments later when zie couldn’t find part of the popcorn machine. Luckily I found it fairly quickly.

I’m not writing as much about Jeremy this year. How many times can I blog about zir hiding in zir room watching videos? How many times can I blog about zir crying and saying zie doesn’t know why? How many times can I say zie didn’t sleep again last night?

Three more weeks until we see our family doctor. Three more weeks until I can ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. The EffexorXR isn’t helping zir nearly as much as it’s helping me.

I miss my rainbow. I want the sparkle back in my world. I want Jeremy to feel fabulous again.

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Too sweet for words… even before the gummy bear earrings.

Pink for Leelah ~ take two…

Back in January I posted a scrapbooking page I’d attempted for Leelah Alcorn. I promised I’d do better and finally did today.

Pink for Leelah2

Paper – Shabby Princess (Winter Wonderland)
Alpha – Studio Taran (Shabby Glittered Alpha)
Font – Fonts for Peas (Pea Mily Mix and Pea Hello Two AM)
Elements – Studio Flergs

I tried to make it as sparkling, pink, and feminine as I could manage, for a girl who was never allowed to have enough of any of those in her life. Rest in power Leelah, you haven’t been forgotten.