Missing my rainbow…

I can’t remember the last time I heard Jeremy proclaim, “… because I’m fab-u-lous!”

I can’t remember the last time zie desperately needed a decoration for zir room just because it sparkled.

I can’t remember the last time zie skipped with happiness or gestured, zir hands flying like birds.

It was just over a year ago that zie stopped shaving zir legs and armpits.

“I forgot,” zie told me with a shrug. “I don’t feel like it,” zie said months later. I didn’t want to push. It’s zir body.

It was just under a year ago that the final flakes of toe polish faded away. Zie panicked when I offered to replace it.

I questioned zir about the perfume yesterday. “I ran out,” Jeremy said offhandedly. Zie never mentioned it or asked for a replacement.

Last year zie loved to watch home improvement shows. Last year zie wanted a purple chandelier with crystals and a red sequin pillow and talked about when zir room was painted purple. This year Jeremy begs me to buy a computer part or video game instead of paint.

“I don’t need my room fixed up,” zie assures me. “I don’t care if my room’s painted.”

The teen who perched on the edge of our couch yelling at the people on t.v because they had to pick the house with granite countertops now furnishes zir room with other people’s leftovers; telling me a chair with no back is perfectly fine.

Jeremy walked into my room and lay on my bed, curled on zir side.

“Mom? Do you need anything at Metro?” Zir voice was almost low enough to be a whisper but too monotone.

I looked outside at the dark sky. I work tomorrow and am already in my pyjamas. My plans involve sprawling on top of my covers and reading before turning my lights out by 9:30pm. No, I didn’t need anything from the grocery store at that point.

“No, sunshine,” I told zir, as gently as I could manage. “We have food here.”

“But nothing I want,” zie replied petulantly.

“You could fry up some Gardein crispy chicken,” I pointed out.

Zie sat up and blurted, “But I don’t want that.” Zir voice crept closer to panicked.

There’s one comfort food Jeremy still consistently enjoys. “How about popcorn?” I asked and was relieved when zie relaxed. Jeremy panicked moments later when zie couldn’t find part of the popcorn machine. Luckily I found it fairly quickly.

I’m not writing as much about Jeremy this year. How many times can I blog about zir hiding in zir room watching videos? How many times can I blog about zir crying and saying zie doesn’t know why? How many times can I say zie didn’t sleep again last night?

Three more weeks until we see our family doctor. Three more weeks until I can ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. The EffexorXR isn’t helping zir nearly as much as it’s helping me.

I miss my rainbow. I want the sparkle back in my world. I want Jeremy to feel fabulous again.

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Too sweet for words… even before the gummy bear earrings.

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9 thoughts on “Missing my rainbow…

  1. I’m sorry Jeremy hasn’t been doing well. I hope the next three weeks pass quickly. Do you think zie would be interested in reminiscing about the camping trip in July? It seemed as though zie was at least somewhat happier then.

    • Thank you. I took zir out after work and told zir I was staging an intervention. I bought a purple sponge, perfume, a face mask, new razor blades, and hair dye for tomorrow. Then Jeremy went back and picked out a second mask. Pampering’s not a cure by any stretch of the imagination but hopefully it’ll help a bit.

    • Thanks. I told Jeremy I’m staging an intervention and got a bunch of pampering stuff today. Then when I mentioned painting toenails, zie smiled and said someone asked zir in the elevator today why zie’d stopped painting them. Got to love kind strangers!

  2. How did the intervention go? Did Jeremy enjoy it? The more Kris lets his feminine side come out, I think about you and Jeremy and what you’ve gone through. It’s so hard to see your kid struggle and not know how to help.

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