Battling depression…

Today has been one of the hardest days of my life. I told the truth. It’s not that I’m a chronic liar, it’s just that I don’t tell people anything. Telling people things hurts, it makes me feel exposed, and I’d rather just curl up in a ball and hide. But depression doesn’t wander off, it hides right along beside me, whispering in my ears… telling me how worthless I am and how everyone would be better off without me.

L convinced me to tell people and I sat at my computer this morning, still crying, and wrote a heartfelt message about how I felt. It was messy, ugly, and the truth. I figured people would think I was whining for attention. So many people have it worse. But people listened.

Karen listened. She called me from work and drove me to the hospital, where she sat beside me for hours, while I told the truth and explained over and over, how badly I’m eating and sleeping and exactly how I was planning to die. Then my Mom took over because I wasn’t supposed to be left alone and she held my hand while we waited more. I finally saw a psychiatrist, who’s taking me as an emergency patient, and I’m staying with my parents for a few days. I don’t fly. No one wants me near the balcony. I don’t want me near my balcony either, at least not until my meds increase.

Depression lies. I thought my family didn’t want me around. The truth is I get overwhelmed in crowds and scroll on Facebook or talk to Lenny to calm down. They saw me hiding in the corner on my phone and figured I didn’t want to be around them.

I’ve had a headache for several days and am not at my best. I’m fuzzy headed and forgetful and exhausted. But I’m here and I’m safe for a few days and hopefully I’ll get better. I’m so tired of grey.

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17 thoughts on “Battling depression…

  1. I’m really sorry to hear that you going through this. I’m glad to hear that you have support right now. I’ve had depression too it’s awful but remember no matter what the terrible thoughts in your head are saying – you are a really valuable person that the world needs with us. Thinking of you.

  2. I’m not sure what to say except that you’ve made a big impact. Through your blog I’ve learned so much about the LGBTQ community. Thanks for sharing your life. I’m hope you are able to get the hope you need and I hope you keep writing.

  3. I admire you. It takes a lot to admit such a thing to yourself and others. You are truly a strong one. Truly fabulous ♡

  4. I’m so glad you reached out and someone listened. We all need you! You’re the voice of reason sometimes. It’s true!

  5. If coming forward works for you, then by all means you must do it. Each person finds their coping mechanisms. For me it’s action/work/productivity. Experiment with different activities. Test how you feel, let’s say, after planting a herb garden, jogging or screaming obscenities at someone in traffic 😉

    • Writing helps me a lot. LOL… I’ll pass at the screaming; if I wanted to be admitted I could have got in a lot easier than that on Wednesday.

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