This gem showed up in my Facebook’s newsfeed today… a grade eleven AP honours assignment. What the class is, I don’t know. Do they have a class called “Heteronormative 1950’s Bullshit” in Utah?
My first thought was for the bullied and shy students in the class because you know there’s going to be someone in the class who is absolutely everyone’s last pick. You know someone’s going to be saying, “Well I guess I have to date you.” And what if the class is uneven? Is there going to be a student-teacher date? Does one poor sod date themself?
Plus what about the kids who aren’t interested in the opposite binary gender? Judging by this sheet, the school’s answer is “fake it till you make it (to heterosexuality)”.
My last thought was $5? Where are they going with five dollars*? Are they splitting a burger at McDonalds? I can’t remember the last time I was at McDonalds but Emma pointed out that they’d have to order from the dollar menu, even with splitting a single burger. Then she went through the list, point by point, and made her own comments.
Here they are:
-If I say I don’t want to go out with you, don’t be pushy (and don’t shoot me)
-If I say I don’t care, don’t push for an answer, because I probably actually don’t care
-Don’t expect a second date if your budget is $5 (money isn’t super important, but I do value myself enough to know that anything fun is going to be more than $5)
-Don’t get pissy if the serving size is too much for me to finish, I’m not going to gorge myself and feel like crap, so you can feel better
-Don’t assume I only care about money, I’ll go dutch no problem, but you have to be willing to spend enough that we can actually do something enjoyable
-If I’m spending the whole date thinking I look like crap, something has gone terribly wrong (ie. you said “dress casual” then surprised me with a fancy restaurant, you’re making me feel ugly (did you criticize how I look?)
-I’ll comb my hair if it needs to be combed, fuck you
-Why do you assume I will, or am, fishing for compliments?
-The only reason I can think of my body weight coming up on a first date, is because it was mentioned first. Unless you mean the “does this make me look fat?” stereotype, which doesn’t usually happen until well past the first date
-If I’m enjoying myself, you’ll know, if I look like I’m not enjoying being with you, then I actually am not
-I’ll sit next to you if it’s appropriate to do so (i.e not at a restaurant, that’s weird, but at the movies for sure)
-I’ll be in the bathroom for as long as I need to (how do I go in a group? How many people are on this date?)
-If I’m talking to the girl we’re doubling with, instead of you, then it’s because she’s got a better personality than you
-What’s considered appropriate for a $5 date? I’m thinking sweatpants.
-Fuck you, and fuck your “lady-like” standards, I’ll say whatever the fuck I want, and you can sit down, shut up, and appreciate it, you pile of shit.
-I show respect, where respect is deserved
-Why do you assume I won’t be?
-If I feel the need to flirt with/text/check out other guys, you clearly aren’t that fun to be around (and you better hold to the same standard for yourself and other girls)
-Seriously? Why do you keep assuming I’m a psychopath? If this is how you feel about me, the date isn’t even going to happen.
-So you not only are trying to dictate my personality now, but my feelings? I’ll have a good time, if you’re fun to be around.
-Again with assuming I’m not going to be a civil human on this date, why are we even going on it?
-It depends on the personal habit, if you’re habitually shoving your hand down your pants to scratch your balls, I’m telling you to stop. If you’re being gross, you’ll be told.
-I’ll compliment you if I think you should be complimented, but based off of this list, you probably shouldn’t be.
-How long do I stare at the door, before realizing you aren’t opening it?
-My standards mean this date isn’t happening. If by some miracle it does, however, are you going to respect the fact that my standards mean I’m not screwing you at the end of the night?
-I’ll criticize you’re driving if it needs to be. Bad driving isn’t always obviously unsafe, but any form of bad driving is unsafe in even subtle ways (also, what if I want to drive? Why are you assuming I want you to drive?)
-You made a giant list of rules for me, then told me to be myself? You just tried to dictate my entire personality (and feelings) for the night, I can’t be myself at that point. I also can’t relax, because this sounds like a dude who will murder me at the end of the night.
She also did some digging and found out the class was an “adult roles and financial literacy class” which I’m pretty sure is a euphemism for “heteronormative 1950’s bullshit”. Plus she found the boy’s side of the assignment…
Girls like flowers and little gifts? Umm… that’s sweet. It’s a five dollar mandated date. You’re lucky if you get a bouquet of dandelions and a ring from the bubble gum machine. Go buy your own damn flowers.
I am so glad I’m not raising kids in Utah! I hear there’s nice mountains but holy hell!
*it looks like they’re each spending $5 so at least they can both order their own burger from the dollar menu.