The smoke blows outside my window from chimneys on a nearby roof. I’m here again, cocooned within the mental health ward. It’s funny they name the ward after something we currently don’t have.

Once again I started out in group (this time psychotherapy) wondering how much I could admit before having to be admitted. Once again I was over that line and escorted to emergency to get involuntailrily committed.

It is lonely here, despite the people. My soul aches for colour, some flowers, sunshine. Each hour is a lifetime, each minute spent looking for something distracting. I find myself craving sleep. It is known as the little death and the best escape I can find.

Escape is an illusion. I can’t hind from my mind or my thoughts.

I was given, and turned in, a plastic knife on Saturday. The guard was young and cheerful, smiling each time they saw me. I didn’t want to cause them trouble. Could I have hurt myself with that knife? I don’t know. Did I regret turning it in? Yes.

Yesterday I cut myself with a peach pit. If you’re reading this and suicidal, I wouldn’t bother. It left the wimpiest of scars, although not as wimpy as the orange juice container.

Now I stsnd, both feet firmly in despair, straining to see hope in the future. And I wait.

**Posted by Emma.**
As a side note, I would like to mention that my mother is still in the hospital, and as such, will not be able to reply to comments right away. I will read her any comments left though, and if she asks me to, will post replies and/or updates.


11 thoughts on “Hospitalized

  1. Thank you, everyone!
    I have read my mother the comments left so far, and she really appreciated all the kind words and well-wishes.
    She’s expecting to be home on Friday, and I will continue to leave updates as she asks me to.
    I will also keep reading her the comments, as new ones come in.
    Thank you all, again

  2. Hello Emma and Michelle. Michelle I’m sad that you are in a situation that feels lonely and isolating, and I hope they are giving you actual help. What I think I mean here is that I wish you help, real help, help that is real to you. I wish I could do more to get you that help, but meanwhile I’ll at least wish hard. I came to your blog today thinking I’d see if there was any update before calling you. Please know that I’m thinking of you, sending encouragement, and cheering for you.
    Emma, best wishes to you also, and that’s for posting updates letting us know that messages will get there. Helpful to know.

  3. Sending you hugs and love and then some more hugs.
    You’ve got this, you were brave enough to speak up in a place where you could get help, you are stronger than the darkness. Each morning you wake up you win s little bit and will get closer to the light and colour of the world again. I promise.
    I think we need to make a transcontinental date to watch the new season of Dr Who with our respective Jeremy’s 💜

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