Two years…

I deserve better blankTwo years ago I cried until I thought I could cry no more and still the tears kept coming. I cried until my eyes swelled shut and my head ached. I felt like my entire world had fallen in on me and there was nothing left but ruins. Like there was only one option left and that was to jump off my 7th storey balcony to the unforgiving pavement below. All that stopped me was the concern that it might not be high enough. What would happen if I ended up paralyzed? I wouldn’t be able to try again.

Luckily for me I’m a writer. I write about everything and this was no exception. I got on Facebook and a veritable flood of words was released. I lied and said I wasn’t planning to kill myself. Even so, what I said was worrying enough that my sister Jen called then drove me down to the hospital. My Mom traded off with her when Jen had to pick up her kids. It takes a long time to be seen for mental health issues but they do keep close track of you.

In some ways that day feels like the beginning of a whole different life but it wasn’t. I’d been struggling with my mental health for at least a year. My family doctor started me on Effexor the spring of 2015 and prescribed Ativan for my rare panic attacks. It was getting harder and harder to stay at work. Some days I’d grip the sides of the cash register or my arms in an attempt not to run screaming out the door. I had always been the fun loving person. I cracked jokes, sang along with the radio, hugged people who liked hugging, and joked with the regular customers. My manager joked that Happy was my theme song. All that slowly drained away as my focus turned inward, a silent struggle to keep running my life.

20180418_101120.jpgIt’s been two long years but I’m slowly rebuilding my life. I’m printing out my scrapbooking pages and am finally up to mid 2017. I’m starting to read again and am thinking, once again, about my novel. I’ve joined three groups and enjoy every one of them. I visit my family every week and try to get out once a month for karaoke (yes, I can sing LOL). It’s not the same life I had before. My attention span is negligible. I find two hour classes to be just long enough. Any more would be overwhelming. But I’m surrounded by friends and family. Life is good.

Am I back to normal? No. I’m currently taking twelve pills in order to function and still struggle with anxiety. Am I happy? Yes. And I think that’s the most important answer of them all.

building your life

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4 thoughts on “Two years…

  1. Stay strong! My life would have been so much less meaningful and vivid if I hadn’t met you! You were there for me.

  2. I understand, and relate to the struggle, and the “faking it until we make it” daily grind, going to work, interacting with others, trying to just be “normal” and the different moods swings, some days are good, others not so much, and generally I always feel just “not with it” can be related to medications, or just me, unsure, but I relate, and wanna just say that you’re definitely not alone because there are many feeling as you do/did, it is a struggle every day, and treatment is available, and remember this, pills are not the answer, they may help but they do not take care of every issue related to the way you feel, much more work to be done, therapy, just talking to someone, and coming to terms with life’s up’s and down’s. I presume it has been a long time struggling? I work in addictions/mental health and know that therapy and treatment helps, also know that “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” and although you wouldn’t be around, “you” no longer in this world will devastate, and cause do much more harm, suicide is never the answer. Feelings come and go, let them come, feel them, and move on, tomorrow is always another day to begin again, and get another opportunity to live this life we were given, actually we are very fortunate to have this life, and “when you appreciate a little you always end up with alot.” So many good things, even when we are feeling our worst, to live for. What would my dog do without me?! Just one little rescue dog that depends on me, and I him, so there it is, we were meant for each other. have a good day, we have no guarantee of tomorrow.

    • Thanks! We adopted two rescue kittens when I was suicidal and they helped so much because they were tiny and needed me. Now I’m in three groups and they teach me a lot. The medication helps but everything else helps too.

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