It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Well not really but I do have almost all of my presents bought, including the ones for Colin. They’re tucked away in my dresser drawer and in the closet, just waiting to be sorted a bit more and eventually wrapped.
Yesterday Colin came up to me and asked, “Mom? Did you buy me a feminine present?”
His voice hovered halfway between longing and worry, as if he wasn’t quite sure which he wanted.
“No, I didn’t,” I replied then watched as disappointment spread across his face. “The presents I bought you are gender neutral.”
That brought out a wide grin. Neutral is safe. Neutral means no disappointment for traditionally male presents and no reminder that he isn’t transitioning to female.
Then came today. I had my group this morning then I walked halfway home on a local trail. By the time I got home I was starving and Colin wasn’t there. He called me from the gym and asked me to meet him at the front door. He also wanted me to guess what he fixed in our apartment.
I had no clue what he’d fixed and no idea even where to start, so I just guessed weird things.
“You fixed your messy habits”
He snorted. “Have you seen my room?” he asked.
“You’ve fixed your gender,” I continued.
That one got a chuckle. “I’m in the male gym so that should answer your question,” he replied.
Anyone, except for the trolls, will realize that if being in the male gym meant he wasn’t fixed, he’d only be fixed if he was in the female gym and therefore female.
The thing he’d ended up fixing was our sticky door latch, which is great. I also would have never guessed it. But the rest just makes me sigh. I know he’s female (because he’s told me multiple times). He knows he’s female. He admits it and still keeps putting up road blocks for transition.
I wish he could be happy in his own skin, whether that involves transitioning or not. It’s like watching someone hit their foot with a hammer and complain it hurts. Then don’t do it! But they keep on going. Colin talks about transitioning, talks about gender dysphoria, but he just won’t transition even though it keeps on hurting. Hopefully someday he’ll let himself be Emma again. Hopefully it’ll be soon.