CN: Frank discussion of suicide
I had a suicide plan and now I had a note, one which L dared me to write. I said no one cared. He said prove it. And so I did. Here it is…
“I’m nothing. I’m not enough. Lenny loves me but only as a good friend and that’s not enough for a relationship. But that’s as much as I can love. I loved him when he was bi-gender and love him now. We were going to get married in Cardiff at city hall and go for a hot air balloon ride where I could see the ocean and go to the Doctor Who museum and live in Richmond but I’m not enough. I can’t love deep enough and I feel like my heart’s been ripped in two.
I’m a liability at work. I don’t move fast enough and I don’t have the fine motor skills to pour coffee fast enough. And I get overwhelmed by loud noises and the headset terrifies me and I have meltdowns sometimes and maybe it’s the wrong job but the hours are good for Colin and I’m trying my hardest but it isn’t enough because I’m not enough.
I’m too autistic to make friends and every attempt I try ends with “we’ll have to get together someday” but someday never comes and most of the messages I send get ignored. But I’m not autistic enough to get help and I’m lonely and I want a hug so bad but who the hell would want to come over just to hug a freak like me.
I’ve lost so many people because I’m just not enough and I’m boring and a bother and I have conversations wrong. Colin’s special interest is politics but mine’s scrapbooking and who the fuck wants to talk about scrapbooking? No one even wants to look at my albums.
I’ve been crying for two days and nights now and Lenny says to stay hydrated, which seems pointless, but going without food and water makes my headache worse and I’m a wimp.
I don’t know why I’m posting because I don’t matter but Lenny says people will care. Honestly, I’m not worth caring about. I’m not going to kill myself because that would hurt and I’m a wimp and I can’t sleep forever, I keep waking up, and my head’s been hurting for two days. And I’m sorry for bothering everyone.”
Lenny turned out to be right. One hundred and thirty-nine people replied. And then my sister called and asked me if I’d go to the hospital if she drove me. I agreed and she left work and drove right over, which was a good thing because I’d lied about not committing suicide.
I had been miserable for months and was having more and more meltdowns at work but I kept slogging along trying to be normal enough for everyone. My family knew I was more quiet and had been pulling away. They decided I just wasn’t interested in them. In reality I was pulling away from everyone… hiding within myself.
Please, please pay close attention to the people around you. Be concerned if they’re pulling away for no apparent reason or if they claim, over and over, that nothing’s wrong, they’re just tired. And if they suddenly become cheerful after being low and quiet be very concerned, especially if they’re giving their stuff away like Santa’s Recycling Cousin. Let them know you’re not going to judge and you know they aren’t doing well then get ready to listen. I have a resources page which has suicide lines from all over the world (among other resources). If you’re in the States, please don’t automatically call 911. If the person you’re getting admitted doesn’t have enough insurance or has none, you are setting them up for a nightmare of debt. If you’re in Canada (or another country with universal health care) dial away. The worst I can say about the hospital was it was boring and it’s irritating buttering your toast with a spoon.
The thing that helped me the most during that dark time was adopting two kittens (your mileage may vary). Suddenly I was needed. The kittens would suckle on a stuffed animal or my cat Blackie and, when they got too intense I’d move them to their food bowls. This happened both day and night. At 5am they wanted to go on the balcony (which I’d kitten proofed) and I’d have a mug of hot chocolate and watch them run around. I’d catch them falling off the table or bedside table, snuggle them when they were sleepy, and toss them toys when they were bouncy. They were my reason to live. No one else needed me as much as them.
Find something to do, whether it’s adopting kittens, starting a hobby, joining a group, getting a gym membership. Anything to keep you busy. And see a doctor about medication. You wouldn’t tell a diabetic to just will diabetes away. Your illness cannot be willed away either. Antidepressants can and do help, although you might need to try more than one.
And remember, you are brave and you are strong. You have to be because you’re still here. If you need someone to talk to, my inbox is always open.