Dear Dr. K

I’m writing because it’s so much easier than talking. If I leave this to talking I’ll be so anxious I lose half of what I planned on saying and will have misworded another quarter. Chances are you’re too busy to read this on your own time but I’ll have it up on my phone at the next appointment.

Zoloft sounded like a great idea and it’s dropped my anxiety a bit but it’s also doing almost nothing for my depression. I’m back to plotting out my death and coming up with reasons for why none of them would work, mostly because it would be unfair for the person who finds me (or in the case of the train, the person who hit me). And then it struck me. What would happen to my cats? I love them dearly and want them to have the best lives possible but none are kittens. Even the ones I call kittens are almost four years old and the rest are seniors. Angel needs a step up to climb onto my bed, where she spends most of her time sleeping. And I just watched Blackie slowly settle herself on the floor, gently easing each joint down. My family won’t take them which means they’d end up languishing for months in a shelter, if not years. So suicide is out of the question.

I feel like I’m hollow inside and that hollowness is filled with pain, like I’m a person suit filled with broken glass. I’m counting down the days until I die… until the pain goes away. Wishing for death and then, once again I think of my cats and gingerly back away from those thoughts.

I planned on going to the gym today. It would have been my third day in a row. I took a nap instead. I crave sleep like a person with a heroin addict craves their next hit. I’m never sure if I want to sleep because it gets me out of life for one more hour or if it’s because I’m really freaking tired. Maybe it’s both.

I have to force myself to finish my food lately and, even then I end up throwing things away… like half an apple. Ironically I’m not losing any weight. My scale and I currently have a hate-hate relationship.

Meanwhile I’m doing everything I possibly can. My home is spotless. The dishes are washed, laundry done, bed made, kitty litter scooped, and garbages emptied. I’ve been going to the gym regularly although I just started. I made an attempt to join a group. Sadly it was really triggering and I had to leave but CMHA is setting up groups for this building, so I’ll be in a group soon. I’m listening to music daily and will be singing karaoke with friends in two more weeks. And still I find myself wishing I would just die. I don’t know what else I can do to make things better.

And I help my 14 year old cat onto my bed and give her forehead scritches then head into the living room to listen to music. Hopefully you’ll have some ideas for what to do because I’m lost.

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Me snuggling Smudge on my swing chair. You can’t see it but she’s drooling with happiness

5 thoughts on “Dear Dr. K

  1. Pingback: Dear Dr. K — Because I’m Fabulous | rsrwrnblog

  2. Hello, I can relate to some of the things you mention here, I wonder if maybe “all” of us have these feelings from time to time? I don’t plot my death or think about suicide but I do think of when others are gone and how life will be different, not in a good or bad way just life being very different when you are on your own. I think it is sad that you aren’t feeling better, there are other medications and supplements (alternative therapy) to try. I do take both, small dosage of RX and supplements such as GABA, L-Theanine and Melatonin for sleep. I follow holistic options and try yoga and mindfulness, journaling, art, read books about Soulful Simplicity and Simple Abundance, as well as follow bemorewithless.com to focus on what matters to me and get off the hamster wheel of life trying to do what everyone else thinks is good for you, not what you truly want/need. So begin to discover what you believe will help you feel better about life, life is good, and worth living with the ups and downs and feelings are just that, feelings, we are allowed to let them go and create new ones, feelings we enjoy. Like hugging your cats, and looking at your smiling face in the mirror, saying “I am enough” and you are just as you are. Good Luck to you, let those feelings pass, everyday I do the same, sometimes I win, sometimes not so much but tomorrow is another day, we are fortunate enough to get another, don’t waste it on feeling anything but grateful for this day and another day to hug those babies and go out into the world with a smile on your face, you can do this. Life is precious, many people don’t have what you have, you’re young and the new day gives you opportunity to make it as you want it, nobody but you can do that.

      • You have a huge following I see, and I’d think you would be able to make a big impact on others with your experiences with a mental illness, such as depression and what you have learned. Also you mentioned other’s perceptions of your disability and reactions, work issues, I’d think these are all important topics to discuss and help others find their way through the misconceptions and maybe you know services and groups that would help similar people come together. Just a thought, I am a nurse and worked in addictions/mental illness for many years. I found your blog related to your topic of depression, but “Because I’m Fabulous” is equally a great title for your blog, and you are, highlight those fabulous aspects of yourself, just some ideas. Thanks for your comment.

      • Thanks! I’m a client of a mental health organization and they’re starting groups in my building soon. I’ll be sure to give them ideas.

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