My life as it is…

I woke up this morning to discover Jeremy had made me breakfast to eat in my room which is so not typical for them. And, even more surprising, they weren’t dropping hints for anything. Breakfast was edible too. Mega bonus!

I was going to head out to a group called “Bucket Lists and Life’s Adventures” but finished breakfast a bit too late and went for a bike ride with Jeremy instead. It was a beautiful day here in Ontario and absolutely incredible, colour wise…

autumn-leaves

So pretty!

“Can you hold my bike?” Jeremy asked when we got back to the front of the building. I nodded and held it steady while they ran inside.

“Only some jerk got mail,” Jeremy said with a laugh as they threw a letter into my bike basket. It was from the Ministry of Community and Social Services. Not to be confused with the Ministry of Magic.

I opened it as soon as we got inside our apartment and the words jumped out at me.

The Disability Adjudication Unit has reviewed your disability and found that you meet the program’s definition of disability.

In most ways this is good. I’ll have money to live off of, a drug card for my bucket of meds, and an discounted bus pass which will give me transportation through the region. But I have to admit that seeing the letter proclaiming I’m disabled was a shock. The word comes with a fair bit of baggage. I’m not sure my stuffed dragon and I can hold it all (it’s a very small dragon).

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Jeremy and I took a break after we got home then my Mom and I took a whole big load of stuff to our local Value Village (pronounced Value Vill-aghe with a slight nose tilt and a bad accent). I had five ficus trees on my balcony but the kittens kept climbing them so I now have two. Plus we got rid of my wicker rocking chair (I can rock well enough without it) and Jeremy’s too small elliptical. We suddenly have living room space!

Today was supposed to be my trip to downtown London, England to ride the London Eye and see Wicked with my ex boyfriend. I’d like to lie and say that the stuff I did today more than made up for the missed trip, but seriously? Today was supposed to be the highlight of what I thought would be an amazing trip and a ride through woods I’ve seen a hundred times and a run to a second hand store doesn’t compare. But, sigh, that was then… another lifetime ago… and this is now. And today was pretty damn good (and came with a delivery of breakfast).

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We’ll consider it a trial run

“Mom? What’s going to happen at this group?” Colin asked, a forkful of rice halfway to his mouth.

It was dinner time and there was just over an hour left until we had to leave to get to his first drop in group.

“Well, the page said they had exciting activities planned.” I paused for a moment then added, “Strip poker.”

Colin nearly snorted rice through his nose.

“I’d have to take my skin off,” he commented cheerfully, once he’d stopped coughing. “I’d stink at that. Maybe we could do Strip Uno or Strip Candyland instead.”

I nearly spat curry across the table at the thought of Strip Candyland. We’re a classy family, I tell you.

We  got to the bus stop and I realized I’d forgotten to double check the address. Then I started worrying. What if our first bus was late and we missed the second bus? What if they cancelled the group for this night? What if no one was there? What if it’s a really close knit group and Colin just doesn’t click with anyone?

Earlier today I reminded him, again, that he needed a shower. Then I found myself ranting about the overflowing dishes in the sink (his chore), the stained track suit he’d worn for three days in a row, and his greasy hair. I took a deep breath and decided to explain why I was worried instead of simply ranting about the mess.

“Colin, I’m upset because I’m scared about you. It scares me to see you sitting around all day doing nothing. Ignoring your chores, letting your hair get dirty, sitting around in messy clothes. Remember a few months ago you said…” I couldn’t finish the sentence.

He patted my hands and smiled. “Mom, it’s just that I forgot to take a shower and this outfit is comfy. I don’t want to kill myself anymore. I’ll have my shower now.” And with that he kissed my forehead and headed off to the bathroom. He washed the dishes once he pulled his clean outfit on.

It really is a mixed blessing to hear the words “I don’t want to kill myself anymore” and I’m aware how tenuous that sentence is. I want Colin to find friends so badly. I can’t be his entire social life. Youtube can’t be his entire social life.

Colin’s not an introvert by nature, he’s always been my social butterfly. Home is now his safe place but he needs to find other safe places and he desperately needs friends. I don’t think he realizes how much.

He was eager and cheerful when we got on the bus and laughing when we got off at the right location (even though I gave the bus driver the wrong intersection). Then we got inside and discovered I had the wrong date. I have no idea how I misread Thursday for Tuesday, but I did. That being said, we got a pamphlet and a business card and Colin was informed that next week is laser tag. The pamphlet says they offer free pizza too. You can imagine Colin’s excitement over those two. He bubbled with excitement the whole way home too.

The plus side is we both know exactly where the group meets and it got Colin outside today too. I’ll have an update on how the actual group goes on Tuesday, when they really meet.