You spin me right round baby, right round…

It was an odd sort of day. The snow crunched underfoot as we tied our jackets around our waists due to the warmth. It was 12C and the snow was melting everywhere except for the woods where we walked. Jeremy’s cat trotted along beside us. It was peaceful.

Then Jeremy broke the silence. “Mom, my medication has really been working this time,” he stated. I nodded because it had. His yelling had dropped to pretty much nothing, chores were getting done. He’d even started cleaning up his room.

walking-lara-at-cedar-valley

Jeremy walking Lara 

“I think it was the depression that made me say I’m male. I’m really not and now I’m wondering if I’m female. I remember how happy it used to make me feel when someone thought I was a girl.”

This was pretty much the last thing I expected him to say but I rolled with it.

My memory’s not nearly good enough to remember a whole conversation verbatim but we went on to discuss hormones and surgery, names and pronouns, with Jeremy asking to please be called he/him for now. And soon the conversation went back to Jeremy’s favourite topic of computers.

I woke the next morning to find Jeremy in my computer chair. “How could they turn a penis into a vagina?” he asked. “They’re totally different.”

My favourite way to start the morning is with a simple “hi” and lots of quiet but I gamely tried to explain sexual affirmation surgery… before breakfast… while half asleep.

“But it’ll look normal, right?” he asked once I was done.

“Yes,” I assured him. “It’ll look like any other vulva.”

He looked like someone was forcing him to swallow a worm. “I guess I’ll have to make a decision,” he said quietly.

I’m no expert but I’m pretty sure trans woman are usually happier at the thought of having a vulva of their own.

“Look,” I said, leaning closer, “How do you feel inside? Do you feel male? Female? In between?”

“I don’t know,” he replied. “I don’t really feel like anything.”

“It sounds like maybe you’re agender.”

“Maybe,” Jeremy agreed hesitantly.

“Sweetie, you have plenty of time,” I assured him again. “You don’t have to decide anything right now or even any time soon. And, if you want, I can find someone you can talk to.”

Jeremy nodded and looked a bit happier. “By video chat,” he agreed.

So I chatted with a friend of mine who describes herself as “ambiguously female” and got a chat sorted out. Luckily she was already Facebook friends with Jeremy.

I was dozing the next morning when Jeremy wandered in. “It’s too bad you’re asleep because I wanted to talk about gender,” he said.

“Huh?” I mumbled. Apparently that qualifies as awake.

“I think I might be more gender fluid than agender,” he continued. “But I don’t want to be both male and female. I want to be one or the other. So I need to figure out who I am the most.”

“Hon, there’s nothing wrong with being both,” I assured him, quickly waking up. “If you’re both, we’ll just get you two sets of clothes.”

“But I don’t like fancy clothes,” Jeremy pointed out worriedly. I laughed.

“When you were buying your clothes in the ladies section, did I ever buy you fancy clothes?”

He smiled and agreed I hadn’t.

Then he caught me making breakfast.

“If I have surgery, it’ll be my very first surgery. I haven’t even broken a bone before.” He paused. “Oh wait, I had eye surgery when I was a baby so it would be my second surgery.”

“Let me know when I can blog this,” I commented and he shook his head.

“Not yet. My Dad reads your blog. He’s only called me once in a long time and I want him to call to talk to me, not to call about gender stuff. And I want to get things more sorted out.”

“Look Jeremy,” I said the following morning after he’d talked, yet again, about surgery. “Do you feel like a woman?”

He nodded and said yes then added, “But I also feel like a man.”

“So you’re right back where you started as bigender,” I pointed out. He shook his head.

“I feel more… what do you call it? Gender fluid.”

At least he was achieving some continuity.

So I thought and thought while he shovelled his room clean then called him into my room to share my thoughts with him.

“What?” he asked from the other side of the wall.

“Hon, this is a poignant Hallmark moment. Get your ass in here,” I replied, because we’re loving and touching like that. He wandered in and flopped down onto my bed.

“Jeremy, our society acts like we all fit into tiny boxes, all neatly labelled and sorted. We don’t. People are more unique, more messy, more creative than that. Right now you’re trying to cram yourself into a male box or a female box. Don’t. Just be your glorious self. If you feel female then act female, if you feel male then act male. You only have one life to live and it’s too short to live it stuffed in a box of other people’s expectations. You do you and be yourself fabulously.”

Jeremy held his phone up to his neck and giggled. “Look, I have a double chin. See.”

It’s a wonder this kid has made it to 19 years old. Also, we’re never getting a slot in any Hallmark ads. I glared at him.

“No, I like that,” he said hastily. “I’ll take it under consideration.”

“And you don’t need to have surgery either,” I pointed out. “I mean do you like your penis?”

Jeremy looked at me in surprise then shook his head. “Not really.”

He used to hide it as a child so that wasn’t much of a surprise.

“Okay,” I replied, thinking quickly. “Maybe more insight would be a help. Why don’t I post this and see if we can get any advice from people who have been through this before?”

He thought about it for a moment then agreed. So now it’s your turn. If your gender could be described as confused or multifaceted, please feel free to reply with how you’re doing now and what your options were/are. Thank you so much for your help.

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12 thoughts on “You spin me right round baby, right round…

  1. To Jeremy,
    There are a number of us who ‘live in the middle’. Both male and female and yet not truly either. Some refer to us as third gender. I like to think of myself as blended gender. There are those who are gender fluid – which seems to mean different things to different people. To me it means that how you feel inside and how you chose to express yourself on the outside can change from day to day and may often show up as a unique blend of male and female. There seems to be a lot of pressure these days to conform, to transition, to reinforce the binary of male and female. Dare to break those constraints, bust down those limiting definitions. It is okay to live outside of what is expected by others. Talk with a therapist and/or doctor who is experienced in working with gender variance. Many choose to use some level of hormones to get some of the changes they want but never go for surgery. Many choose to have surgery. Some of them regret it when the decision is made too quickly. Take your time, and explore what feels right for you. I encourage you not to rush into surgery. it is the most invasive of treatment options and comes with the greatest risks. Those who really NEED surgery know inside themselves that their body is wrong and foreign and can be a source of shame. They don’t question that the gendered reproduction organs they have are the incorrect ones. Surgery is a much welcomed relief. Try living as a female first. Try living as a person who is both male and female. Talk to people who have been on hormones (I’ve been on a low dose for about 15 yrs), talk to people who have had the surgery you are considering.

    It’s okay to not be 100% comfortable and happy with your body – most people have some complaint and/or desire to change some aspect of their physical self. Do the parts of your physical self that you are uncomfortable with make you wish you could die? Do they cause you so much distress that it’s painful to look in the mirror, that you feel like you are looking at a complete stranger, or that you wish you could mutilate the things you don’t like? If not, hold off on surgery. Explore other options. You may find the perfect place for you and your expression of yourself is something you haven’t even considered yet.
    R

    To mom: kudos and huge respect to you for taking everything in stride and being supportive while your kid works to figure things out. I’m guessing you have had a couple of minor heart attacks and perhaps had some fears come up. Keep being a duck (smooth sailing on the surface while paddling like hell under the water). You rock! And you are a true gift in your kid’s life.

  2. I am more in the middle as well. I started out as a person forced to be a girl, so I tried to be the most masculine girl possible, now I am what others describe as a feminine boy. I am 17 and if Jeremy needs someone to talk to about this stuff that’s more their age, then my email is maxbrandt37@gmail.com.
    Don’t be scared, I’m friendly.
    And stay fabulous, the world needs more gender fabulous people.

  3. Many trans women do not have genital surgery. Sometimes this is about money, but some trans women just prefer to not have surgery. All surgeries have risks and this surgery makes you infertile and can affect sexual function.

    Let Jeremy know that it is perfectly normal and he doesn’t have to have surgery.

    It sounds like he is more interested in having people think he is female than in changing his body. Perhaps you should explore this with him.

      • not Sorry because is Jeremy is wonderful
        me is wonderful too yes very much

        Sorry because other People are not nice.
        So many everybodys not very nice to wonderful others.
        Sorry for because so very very much hard hurting because of So many everybodys not very nice

        Sorry because other People are not appreciate and not understanding to wonderful others.

        Sorry also for me Can not type for to help talk explain me to Jeremy being similar wonderful to me. :/ picture button AAC not at all useful for this talking subjects

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