Facing queerphobia…

I can’t remember exactly how old I was, probably around five or six, but it was summer and a handful of us girls were on “the circle”, an area of grass at the end of our court. We were trying to think of something to do when one of the girls piped up, “Let’s play wedding!”

I was meh on the whole idea. She only wanted to play wedding because she had a crush on Peter and she could pretend to marry him. Then all she needed was someone to marry them, a bridesmaid, and one or two people to hold down Peter so he couldn’t escape. The rest of us were the audience and simply stood there. This really didn’t seem like much fun to me and a hell of a lot less fun for Peter. Then I came up with a partial solution. Why didn’t she marry one her her friends? That at least took Peter off the hook.

There was a song I loved when I was that age by The Vogues called “Five O’clock World” and, in part, it read:

’cause it’s a five o’clock world when the whistle blows
No-one owns a piece of my time
And there’s a long-haired girl who waits, I know
To ease my troubled mind, yeah!
In the shelter of her arms everything’s okay
She talks and the world goes slipping away
And I know the reason I can still go on
When every other reason is gone

In my kindergarten mind I knew I was going to grow up someday and need to work but that when I finished work she would be waiting for me and would hug me and ask me about my day. I never said anything about it to anyone but why would I? It was my normal. And then I made my suggestion to the other girls.

The girl with the crush was horrified. “That’s disgusting!” she exclaimed, staring at me in disbelief. “Why would you even say that?”

“Peter doesn’t want to play,” I protested. “And you’re all friends.”

“Girls don’t marry girls. Ever!” she announced firmly. “That’s gross!

I nodded my head. I don’t know if she was the oldest but she felt like the oldest to me and everyone knew the big kids knew more. And it wasn’t like anyone else in the world wanted to hug or marry someone of the same gender, at least not in my world and they’re the same thing at that age. So I packed up my feelings and buried them away. I’ve gotten very good at that over the years, packing thoughts away in places only my nightmares can find.

There were some cracks in my thoughts and feelings over the years but it wasn’t until I was in my 40’s and was friends with someone who was both openly queer and willing to listen that I started unpacking thoughts and memories I’d long forgotten I’d even had. I’m still unpacking. The 80’s were pretty bad. Like, hey, I’m trapped at a school event beside a teacher and fellow students who are laughing and joking about driving to the “Gay Village” of Toronto to throw rocks at the queers because it was so much fun. “And how many have you hit? Did anyone bleed?” My suicidal ideation started around that time.

Then there was yesterday. I woke up all excited and ready to start the day and even put on my ace t-shirt and rainbow socks for International Asexuality Day. Then after my exercise class I got my bundle buggy and headed out the door, determined to get some walking in plus some necessities, which I did. I also picked up a yummy looking chocolate bar, a fresh cinnamon bun for this morning (it was delicious), my favourite peanut butter cups, and four gourmet cupcakes. By the time I went to all 5 stores (two were only for one item) I was wiped and my buggy was heavier than me. I was soon on the little On Demand bus and heading home. The driver even dropped me off at the front door of my building and helped me with my buggy (bonus good mood). And then my neighbour came running out the door to show the driver her cat.

She came back inside while I was still in the lobby and then started to talk. Soon she asked me how I was doing.

“I’m fine,” I replied cheerfully. “It’s International Asexuality Day-

“What?” she replied loudly so I repeated myself, making sure to enunciate each word clearly.

“What?!?”

Okay, obviously it wasn’t a hearing issue. Maybe she’d never heard of asexuality. No big deal but I was feeling a bit grumbly. I’d brought it up as a segue into my yummy cupcakes and a definition plus a possible q&a were going to take up more time than I’d anticipated.

“Asexuality is when you don’t have sexual attraction toward-

“That’s disgusting!” she announced flatly and with finality.

Fury flushed my cheeks. I wasn’t just going to roll over and hide. Not anymore.

“I’m asexual,” I informed her.

“Disgusting!” she replied then she stormed down the hallway the opposite direction from her apartment. I silently wished whoever she was visiting the best of luck then pushed the button for my floor. One I got home I put everything away then logged into Facebook and recounted what had just happened, ending with:

“She better get coal in her stocking this year! Also, these cupcakes are going to be amazing!!!”

I figured I’d get some support (if Facebook didn’t wander off with my post and hide it somewhere) and for the most part I did. But there were a couple of dissenters and, as always, they were a complete surprise. Two women I’ve known online since around 1998-2000. The comments hit like blows.

• Maybe she was just uncomfortable because I was “discussing my sexuality” by saying what day it was and maybe that made her scared so she reacted.
• It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t know what asexuality is the whole idea of someone announcing their sexuality as a “holiday” can come across rather bluntly and confusing as it should be a personal topic.
• The whole scenario, if it happened to me, I would be left feeling like a person had no boundaries and overshared details which would leave me feeling very uncomfortable and full of red flags about the person.

• You are discussing your bedroom with someone who didn’t consent to knowing about your lifestyle.

The platform for awareness is what matters and this was not the time or place to announce you’re preferences for the bedroom.

Then I left the computer for dinner and a much needed break and came back after my lavender and chocolate cupcake (by Sweets from the Earth) and discovered that one of my friends had unfriended me while I was away from my keyboard. I guess I won’t be seeing her sunrise and lake photos this year.

And no, seriously no. Saying three words, International Asexuality Day, is not telling anyone what I prefer in the bedroom nor is it discussing my bedroom.

A “lifestyle” is country vs downtown condo or eclectic vs modern. No one says that being straight is a lifestyle. That’s because sexual orientation is not a lifestyle.

And where’s my consent? Where’s my consent when friends go into uber detail about their dates? Or when eye candy pictures get posted and people talk about dragging him into the bedroom and how hot he’s making them? Straight people discuss their “bedroom” all the time. Who their dating… who they’d like to date… that hot guy on the show… what’s going on with their husband… all of that is fine, normal, and has nothing to do with the bedroom. But I mention a holiday and I suddenly need to bring a clipboard and legal documents to make sure everyone knows exactly what three words they’re about to hear.

In short, there is nothing wrong with announcing that it’s any day, week, or month that belongs to the LGBTQIA community. It does not tell anyone anything about what someone’s doing in their bedroom any more than saying you’re straight tells them what you do.

As my friend Sylvia pointed out, there is a major holiday that celebrates sexuality every single year. I had the same two people deny it but really? They sell frigging red satin lingerie with lace for the occasion. Yes, there’s romance involved but, at the end of the day, the day’s supposed to end in the bedroom with those rose petals and itchy undies. And straight people are totally fine with that because it’s directly marketed to them. International Asexuality Day isn’t marketed toward sex or bedrooms so why is that the one that’s oversharing and overly personal?

Some days I think we’ve moved so far ahead as a society and that maybe, just maybe, it’s safe for me to peek my head out and just be myself.

Other times I realize we’re all just standing in the dust calling anything we don’t understand “gross” while throwing rocks at those we find weird.

And for the love of all you hold dear, can everyone just make enough room to stand and be myself without judgement?

It’s my day!!!

Me in my asexual shirt from LookHUMAN

Today is the second annual International Asexuality Day, which means it’s my day (and a bunch of other people’s too but I can share) and it means I’m not broken. I’m not the only one who feels the way I do.

Someone pointed out that asexuality is tricky because puberty doesn’t kickstart anything sexuality wise. Everyone else is discovering new feelings for other people while asexuals are discovering that giraffes have blue tongues.

You notice change. How often do you not notice there wasn’t one? When do you say, “everything’s going on the same way it’s been since I was a baby… there must be something seriously wrong”?

Plus hyperbole is a thing. People exaggerate all the time (like I just did). I can’t speak for every asexual out there but I figured that a lot of sex talk was outright exaggeration, kind of like how someone hauls in a fish not much bigger than a minnow. It slips free and suddenly, when it’s discussed with family and friends, it was at least the size of my arm! People couldn’t simply want to have sex with someone, could they? Especially just because of looks. What was fun or interesting about that? It took literally decades for me to realize these weren’t “fish tales”.

The first time I heard/read the word “asexual” was in a Mercedes Lackey story in the late 80’s. Everything in me perked up when I read the word. Was this the answer to a question I didn’t even know I’d been asking? But sadly it wasn’t. Her character, Tarma, is asexual because of an oath to her deities and she’s described as, “hard, somewhat aloof, and totally asexual” with “her hawklike face, forbidding ice-blue eyes, and nearly sexless body” (The Oathbound). I recall she wrote elsewhere about her being ‘as sexless as a blade’ but I currently can’t find it. She wrote two novels, at least one anthology, and dozens of short stories about this character so I’ll just have to go by memory, either way my reaction was a sad “that’s not me”.

I didn’t hear the word again for decades, not until somewhere around 2014, when my daughter commented that her friend was asexual and explained what it was. And, this time, that was it! It was me! There actually was a label out there, with other people behind it, that fit me. I wasn’t alone.

To put it at it’s simplest, asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction. That’s the building block of the orientation. If everyone else is nearly drooling and saying, “OMG look at that hottie!!!” you’re the one saying, “Oh my goodness, that puppy is wearing a bowtie!!!” You get two asexuals on their honeymoon and they might be having sex (depending on enjoyment and comfort level) but they might also be playing Scrabble. Your mileage may vary. But if they’re having sex, it’s not due to sexual attraction. There are all sorts of reasons to have sex such as physical enjoyment, reciprocal enjoyment, wanting the closeness and attachment, and even simply wanting to conceive children.

Another form of sexuality is demisexuality. This is when someone starts out with no sexual attraction towards someone but becomes sexually attracted to them after forming an emotional bond. You’re friends, then good friends, then start to fall for each other, and bam! you’ve got the feelings!

You can, like me, be demiromantic as well. It works exactly the same as above except you never have sexual attraction all all and start with no romantic attraction until you’re good friends and suddenly there’s that bam! experience but with romance instead.

Then there’s greysexuality, which is when someone does experience sexual attraction but only rarely and/or weakly. This is not the same as having a low libido, which is not part of the asexual umbrella. That’s when you had a sex drive but it’s either faded or gone away; it’s a medical condition, not a sexual orientation.

One thing to remember is there are more attractions than just sexual. Sexual attraction is the need and desire for someone’s body (and them). It’s the love/lust, passion, and physical desire to be with that other person as intimately as possible. Then there’s romantic attraction, which is all the hearts and flowers. Hugging, kissing, snuggling, long walks holding hands, candlelit dinners… these are all romantic. And finally there’s aesthetic attraction as in when you find someone physically attractive. Often people tie this in with sexual attraction but people also find landscapes attractive too and I don’t know anyone who’s sexually attracted to meadows.

Asexuality’s close cousin is aromantic and people often fall between the two categories, like me being asexual and demiromantic. Demiromantic is under the aromantic umbrella. In simple terms, aromantics have little to no romantic attraction but can and do have sexual attraction. While they’re not looking for a life partner of sorts, what they do look for (and need) are close, supportive friends. I had a therapist (now retired) who told me I shouldn’t have any close friends, just superficial friends (like people on a bowling league). I sat there thinking, “I can’t do that. You have no idea how much I can’t do that.”

When it comes to relationships, there’s one that happens in both asexual and aromantic communities and that’s queerplatonic relationships. These are relationships that are not sexual or romantic but, instead, are intensely deep friendships which create a strong and close bond between two or more people. It’s hard to say more because there aren’t really any rules other than the ones each couple/group sets. There are “in words” like “zucchini” or “marshmallow” for a queerplantonic partner or “squish” for a platonic crush.

Asexuals have our own names and symbols too. The first one is the nickname of “ace”, which is simply an abbreviation of asexual. This, of course, spread out to the playing cards, the main one being the ace of clubs for all asexuals. Then there’s cake, which is yummy of course, but it was also picked because of the whole “I’d rather have cake” saying when it comes to sex.

One thing that’s slowly gaining recognition is wearing a black ring on your left middle finger – black as a neutral colour and the middle finger because the ring finger is for a wedding ring.

And while I was googling, the question “why do asexuals want to invade Denmark?” popped up as an option. This I have no answer to, I only hope any invasion happens a) in the summer b) uses water balloons and bubble guns as weapons and c) offers popsicles and ice water.

There is tonnes of information available online about asexuality, aromantics, and umbrella terms. I find that Wikipedia and WebMD offer the best definitions.

And that being said, I’m off to have some cake! Happy International Asexuality Day everyone!!!