Call me Colin…

Colin and his pierced ear

Colin with his first pierced ear

Colin has a way of edging topics into conversations and this time was no different. I can’t remember what the original conversation was. Computers? Video games? Politics? But I do remember the rest.

“I really like the name Colin,” he mused. “I think I’m going to keep it no matter what gender I am. Even as a girl.”

I get the feeling that most people figure Colin just “got over” being trans like he’d get over a bad first date or a friendship that drifted apart. It’s not the same thing, it’s not something you just get over. It’s a part of him, like his eye colour or shoe size. Not something he can change.

Earlier, in another conversation, Colin started talking about stopping being transgender. I asked him if he still struggled with gender dysphoria. His response?

“Not anymore. I pushed it down as hard as I could and locked it away so now I don’t feel it anymore.”

I’m no expert but I don’t think that’s how it works. I have a feeling that someday that locked away dysphoria is simply going to explode and I don’t have a clue what to do about it.

He’s not male, no matter what pronouns he uses, and he’ll continue to not be male. All I can do is hope that he accepts it when it blows up in his face and can no longer be ignored. I’ll be there the best I can. The rest is up to him.

Good luck Colin, my hidden daughter. You are loved.

6 thoughts on “Call me Colin…

  1. I’m only really an expert on myself, so this is not so much advice as it is anecdotal. When my gender identity issues resurfaced, after seventeen years of “successfully” keeping them pushed down and locked away, it was more like opening a can of worms than an explosion, but it seemed that there were a lot more worms coming out of the can than what I had sealed inside it. Unfortunately, those extra worms were the guilt and shame that wiggled their way into my life for many years thereafter. As long as Colin can avoid that, he’ll (or she’ll, if that becomes the case) will be fine. If only I had had such a caring and understanding mother. ❤

  2. A beautiful child, too bad it is such a cruel world; even though things are getting better, some will never accept or fully understand. It is no wonder there is so much mental illness and suicide. it is a struggle to just live your life as you want to. I wish that for your child. You are a wonderful mother, as you know support is so important, and talking about the up’s and down’s that will or have come. Life is difficult no matter who/what we are. We will always get by “with a little help from our friends” and the support of family.

  3. I think self acceptance is one of the most difficult challenges as person faces. The pressure to be normal – whatever that is! 🙂 – seems to hit large swathes of us.

    I hope that Colin finds that’s it’s okay to be as they feel and may I say that all you do to support him is awesome to see.

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